JOAN’S BLOG – TUES/WED., JANUARY 17/18, 2012 – LOOKING FORWARD TO………….

One year ago to the week, I received an e-mail chain asking me to describe my life in one word. It prompted me to write a blog titled “A Life in Limbo” , which described the life I was (and still am) living as an Alzheimer Spouse.

This week, I received another of those e-mail chains that asked me to list 3 places I have lived; 3 places I have visited, etc. Toward the bottom of the list was the question – 3 things I look forward to. Among the answers from the friends to whom I had sent the chain were – white water rafting, Bermuda cruise, Key West trip, retiring so I can spend my time with my grandbabies. My fingers froze over the keyboard. What could I answer?

Could I answer that I look forward to the end of my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease? That would be, as we have previously discussed, looking forward to his death, for that is how Alzheimer’s Disease ends 100% of the time. No, that did not seem a proper answer.

What can I, as an Alzheimer spouse, look forward to? More of what I do now. Monitoring and dispensing pain, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, high blood pressure, and mood medications. Changing adult diapers. Changing soiled sheets. Driving to doctor and medical test appointments. Explaining information in the simplest possible terms, answering repetitive questions, and directing activities.

It made me realize that my future holds 24 hour nursing care to a 200+lb. adult with the reasoning and cognition of a child. We are no longer able to travel together. Traveling for us simply means taking all of my work into a strange environment, without the routine and support that we have at home. Even if we had grandchildren or the possibility of future grandchildren, which we do not, I would never see them. My son lives 3000 miles away.

Well, I thought, as I struggled to answer the question, this is a bit depressing. I am supposed to be looking for the positive in my life, not dwelling on the negative. I have no idea how long this Alzheimer journey will last, so I certainly cannot spend all of that time concentrating on everything I WISH I could do with my husband, but cannot.

What I finally decided to do is what we, as Alzheimer Spouses, have learned to do – concentrate on the short term. While traveling and excitement are certainly not in my future, I will find pleasure in looking forward to short term pleasures. I look forward to being able to knit and read at the end of long day of caregiving. Those activities provide me with enjoyment and relaxation. So my three answers to what I look forward to were: Reading, knitting, and resting.

In the quiet recesses of my mind, I do occasionally look forward to “after”, and allow myself to think, just a bit, about what I will enjoy, if I am still alive, but for the most part, it is healthier for us Alzheimer Spouses to look forward only as far as the end of the day, and find pleasure in simple things.

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